A Strong Mind

Had a friend round last night, playing some songs on our guitars etc. Haven't known him long but he seems like a nice guy and is a very talented musician. He is successful in his career and travels all over the world in the course of his business. I, on the other hand, have always been spectacularly unsuccessful in my career choices. I have never ever had anyone officially working for me in any capacity whatsoever throughout my entire working life, although I have trained people up at times. I was just about the only person in my 6th form at school not allowed to be a prefect (they thought I would be a bad example to the younger kids!). Despite all of this I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent man, and I have never been intimidated by other peoples' success. I may have lacked maturity at times and been resolutely unambitious workwise (I have never actually wanted to have anyone working for me - work was always just a way of paying the bills) but I have never considered myself inferior to anyone else. Indeed, my small circle of close friends includes people who are incredibly high achievers in their careers and who have the big houses and cars to prove it. Me - I live in a house that badly needs redecorating, whenever we can spare the money; we can't afford foreign holidays and I earn a meagre income teaching and playing guitar and as a sound engineer. However I am really happy in my work now and wouldn't go back to the stress of the rat race for any money now. I am successful as a guitar teacher and find the job very rewarding when I see my students progress and pass exams etc.

This long, boring preamble is to give the background to a comment that my new friend made last night that upset me. I was telling him as we were packing away that I am thinking of having a gastric band operation to help me lose weight. The reason I am thinking of resorting to such a drastic step is that dieting is killing me. All my adult life I have been joining slimming clubs, losing weight, eventually giving up than putting all the weight back on again and a little more on top - the result being that I gradually have got bigger and bigger with every failed diet. I have made the decision to give up dieting for ever. This means that I have to start to eat a sensible, nutritious diet from now on and take total responsibility for my weight. I also need to embark on an exercise program. Going on past experience the odds on me succeeding are not great. Therefore I am going to talk to the consultant about the gastric banding operation and weigh up the pros and cons.

My friend said that he was unable to understand my problem because he has never had any weight problems. Fair enough - I can understand that. Then he said that this was because he has a strong mind and plenty of willpower. I felt very insulted, as the obvious implication was that I must have a weak mind and no willpower. I tried to explain that I have tremendous willpower and drive in some things, but that my relationship with food is extremely complicated and goes right back to my childhood. A lot of my eating habits have become ingrained over virtually a whole lifetime and will not be undone quickly or easily.

I am used to people judging me on my appearance, but this has made me angry. However, instead of sending me hurtling towards the biscuit barrel it has made me more determined to succeed by my own efforts. Keep watching this space!

Oh yes, by the way: my dealings with the National Health Service continue to be surreal. I received a letter from my doctor asking me to make an appointment with a hospital of my choice to set the wheels of my operation in motion. I chose the only one on the list who will do gastric banding as opposed to the more hardcore stomach operations. Went through all the questions, passwords, details etc. only to be told that I couldn't make an appointment because that particular hospital isn't on the system yet. I now have to wait 2 weeks for them to contact me. On past experience I shall not be holding my breath!